[ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome, everybody. thank you for watching. thank you to you. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." let's do -- i'm going to do "the history of rap part two" right now, we're going to -- no, i'm just kidding. [ light laughter ] let's get into the show. this is pretty crazy, you guys. the city of london has fined president obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in may, which raises the question, are there any countries we don't owe money to at this point? [ laughter ] this is interesting, i heard that "law & order svu" will air an episode based on the arnold schwarzenegger scandal. yeah, the disclaimer says, "the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or his maid, mildred." [ laughter ] [ as arnold ] mildred, get over here now! my favorite show is on. what the -- no!

[ laughter ] speaking of television, after 12 years at cbs the creator of "csi" is moving to abc. wait, the guy from csi left cbs for abc? wtf. [ laughter ] i thought they were bff's, but idk. [ laughter ] some celebrity news, it's rumored that jennifer lopez will make $1 million dollars for performing at a wedding this week, or as marc anthony calls it, half a million dollars. [ laughter and applause ] get this. the discovery channel has a new reality show about medical marijuana. [ cheers ] yeah. it's not really the best idea though, because after five minutes of watching it, you just want to switch over to the food network. [ laughter ]

i don't know what to think of this. police in connecticut say someone broke into a petting zoo and stole 400 bales of hay. yeah, the zookeeper was like -- [ whistles ] hey. hey! hey? hey! [ laughter and applause ] sort of whacky -- [ applause ] [ rhythmic clappin ] >> jimmy: hey, hey, hey! ♪ i have no idea -- i don't know what i was doing. sorry. >> steve: hey! >> jimmy: hey! >> steve: hey! >> jimmy: hey! the guy pulled a gun on him. >> steve: oh, did he really? >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: oh. was it colin hay? >> jimmy: it was colin hay from "men at work." [ laughter ] check this out. a man in minnesota says -- i like that quest was laughing at that. [ laughter ]

he goes, hey, and then he goes, hey? hey? and then he goes, i come from the land down under. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: check this out. a man in minnesota says his iphone survived a 13,000 foot fall, after it slipped out of his pocket while he was skydiving. yeah. that's not surprising. if there's one thing the iphone's good at, it's dropped calls. [ laughter and ohs ] i just saw this, a new edition of "al qaeda" magazine claims bin laden fought a vicious battle before he died. you know, if they keep writing that kind of nonsense, i might have to cancel my subscription to "al qaeda" magazine. [ laughter ] i'm not going to put up with it. they have some good recipes in there. [ laughter ] get two bowls of dirt -- >> steve: put them together. >> jimmy: three rocks -- >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: throw it in your living room, that is a bed. >> steve: that's your bed. i hate every time i get it, i have to take out all those inserts.

>> jimmy: finally, an amish man in new york was arrested for leading police on a high speed horse and buggy chase. [ laughter ] he's known as "old jebidiah," but his close friends call him "o.j." [ laughter ] we have a great show for you tonight. give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! we've got a great show tonight from the new movie, "crazy, stupid, love." ryan gosling is here. [ cheers and applause ] funny dude. good actor. great movie too, i liked it. he's one of the guys behind your favorite bravo shows. and the host of "watch what happens live." our buddy, andy cohen is dropping by! [ cheers and applause ] get the "real housewives" scoop from that guy. >> steve: he's a delight. >> jimmy: he's awesome. also performing a song off his new album, very great singer,

joseph arthur is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he's good. hey, everybody. it's time for "'late night' hash tags." here we go. ♪ hash tags, hash tags hash tags, hash tags hash tags ♪ >> jimmy: these are lists on twitter we give you the topic and you send in tweets. so, yesterday i went on twitter and i started a hash tag called, "so embarrassing." and i asked you guys at home to tweet out something embarrassing that happened to you or someone you know. and we got thousands of tweets. i was watching them come in all night. it was great. so, now i thought i'd share some of my favorite, "so embarrassing" tweets from you guys. here we go. this first one is from @abaker20, he says, "at a family christmas party kissing good-bye to my aunts and accidentally kissed my uncle on the lips." [ laughter ] nice moustache. >> steve: yeah. s jimmy: this o i he says, "called a lady giving me a job interview mom." [ laughter ]

>> steve: i mean momma? >> jimmy: i meant momma? this one is from @backwardsleoj. he says, "my mother dressed me as alex trebek for eight straight halloweens, then made me say, 'what is trick or treat?' at every door." [ laughter ] that's a good bit. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: you should do that to your kid. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: with the moustache. what is trick or treat? >> steve: who do you get to go as? who mom, mickey mouse? no, alex trebek. [ laughter ] i want to go as pat sajak. no. he's not canadian. >> jimmy: this one is from @vancity. he says, "pulled out my running shirt from the drier and went for a long jog with my wife's panties stuck on the back of my shirt." why is every one honking at me? this is from @yourmayjesty. she says, "skydiving parachute opened, left boob fell out of my shirt.

tandem master fixed my boob and said, sorry, just part of the job." [ laughter ] little boob grab, on the way down. >> steve: what are you going to do, not do it? >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: come on. opportunity. >> jimmy: that guy should be sued. >> steve: you know. >> jimmy: this is from @tommysmith443. he says, "made a toast at my friend's wedding and called his bride by his ex girlfriend's name over and over and over." [ audience ohs ] so, you didn't marry sarah? >> steve: he didn't know. >> jimmy: stacy, nice to meet you. this is from @melissamork. she says, "mistakenly ended a phone call with the boss the way i end each phone call with my husband. 'okay, i love you, bye.'" [ laughter ] buh-bye. bye. blew a kiss to your boss? this one is from @stephaniewebb. she says, "my dad would lean his seat back like a gangster, turn his hat around and blast the eagles when dropping me off at school." [ laughter ] >> steve: come on. give it up for dad. >> jimmy: "hotel california."

>> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: this one -- this one is from @gropercleveland. [ laughter ] >> steve: groper cleveland? >> jimmy: president groper cleveland. >> steve: i love it! >> jimmy: that's a prettfunny name. he says, "my mom once referred to a butt dial as booty call in public." [ laughter ] oh, no, i just booty called your father. [ laughter ] booty call. >> steve: butt dial? >> jimmy: butt dial. last one is from @mcdoubleyoyo.e she says, "professor told us to pass up our test and i said, 'give me a sec.' without thinking, he yelled, 'i've given you enough secs.'" [ laughter ] there you have it. those are tonight's "'late night' hash tags." check out more of our favorites go to latenightwithjimmyfallon.com. we'll be back with more "late night," everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i need a touch screen device that helps me get more done.

well, i want a touch screen device that lets me watch movies when i relaxing at my beach cabana. well, i need a multi-tasking monster that can integrate with my corporation. well -- [ laughter ] i want to check my e-mail while i'm listening to some smooth tunes. >> well, what the hell we gonna do? we need to get something. >> jimmy: easy, guys, just get the hp touchpad. it's got beats audio and it's great for work and play. brings all of your digital stuff together hp touchpad, works like nothing else. we'll be right back more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪. ♪ let me entertain you ♪ let me make you smile ♪ let me do a few tricks ♪ some old and then some new tricks ♪ ♪ i'm very versatile

♪ so let me entertain you ♪ and we'll have a real good time ♪ [ male announcer ] with beats audio and flash, you can experience richer music and download movies straight to the new hp touchpad with webos. so we created stacked, stuffed and topped entrees, starting at $9.99. stacked, stuffed and topped! i like things smooshed. we'll work on that. [ male announcer ] only at applebee's. open 'til midnight or later. took some wild risks when i was young. but i was still taking a risk with my cholesterol. anyone with high cholesterol may be at increased risk of heart attack. diet and exercise weren't enough for me. i stopped kidding myself. i've been eating healthier, exercising more, and now i'm also taking lipitor. if you've been kidding yourself about high cholesterol, stop. along with diet, lipitor has been shown to lower bad cholesterol 39 to 60 percent.

lipitor is fda approved to reduce the risk of heart attack and stroke in patients who have heart disease or risk factors for heart disease. [ female announcer ] lipitor is not for everyone, including people with liver problems and women who are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant. you need simple blood tests to check for liver problems. tell your doctor if you are taking other medications or if you have any muscle pain or weakness. this may be a sign of a rare but serious side effect. lets go... haha. if you have high cholesterol, you may be at increased risk of heart attack and stroke. don't kid yourself. talk to your doctor about your risk and about lipitor. ♪ [ female announcer ] new 100% natural lipton iced tea. you are what you tea.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, guys. thank you for watching our show. i appreciate it. hey guys, those that know me know i love books. i love all kinds of books. i love short books, i love long books, i love pretty books, i love fat books, i love skinny books, books that stand to lose a few pounds. i still love them. but, there is one type of book that i absolutely hate. i can not stand. that's a bad book. but, how to do you know if a book's bad? because you're in luck. i've put together a list of terrible books that you should not read. that's right, it's time for the latest installment of my "do not read list." here we go. ♪ do not read do not read do not read these books ♪ ♪ these books [ applause ] now, before we start, i just want tell you all that every book that i'm about to show you

is 100% real. these are actual books. you can -- you can see them on amazon, or check them out at your local library. they are real books. all right, let's see what's on my "do not read list." here we go. our first book is for anyone in their 40s here. it's called "making it from 40 to 50." [ laughter ] way to aim high there. it's not "kicking ass from 40 to 50." >> steve: no. >> jimmy: or thriving. no. let's just try to make it through. [ laughter ] yeah. let's check out the couple that wrote this, joel and lois davitz. there -- there they are, there. what a fun looking couple, right? they look like they'd be great to have at a party. honey, the davitzs are here. hey, how are you guys doing? just trying to make it to 50. [ laughter ] >> steve: if i can just keep the gun away from my mouth long enough. [ laughter ] oh, lois, lois. >> jimmy: you want to dance? >> steve: no. >> jimmy: me neither. >> steve: how many more seconds do we have to stay?

>> jimmy: when can we go home? we're almost 50. [ laughter ] >> steve: get the car out of the garage. >> jimmy: this next one is a dating book for women. this is great. it's called "the electronic candy store: a guide for women to find mr. right on the internet" by james j. raines. what's going on with this woman's legs? [ laughter ] she's got two pillowy thighs. they look like two bean bags laid on top of each other. weird angle. poor girl. what qualifies james j. raines to give advice to women on how to troll the electronic candy store? let's see right here. here we go. well, "in a little over seven years i had been out on 116 first dates. i've had 94 second dates and i had actual sexual contact of some kind with more than half of those women." actual sexual contact. [ laughter ] those numbers are way too specific too. how creepy is that?

he defintely has a creepy notebook that he updates as soon as he gets home from a date. he's like, well technically that qualified as a date. but, i can't check off anything in the actual sexual contact column. [ laughter ] look at this. every word is italicized and gigantic. it's huge. [ laughter ] is this the large print edition? there are so many problems with this book. do not read this book. [ laughter ] beanbag lady. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: this next one is probably the saddest book that i've ever seen. "dad's in prison." [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] "dad's in prison." definitely the saddest book i've ever seen. the only book that would be sadder is if it would be "mom's in prison." >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: that would be very sad. let's take a look inside here. this is -- oh, yeah, hugging the kids good-bye. there's the thousand yard stare there. [ laughter ]

he is just depressed. kids are all crying and hugging on him. thousand yard stare, just dead inside. he doesn't even know what he's hugging. let's see. maybe his wife can lift his spirits here. >> steve: oh, let's see. nope. >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] she's even weird. she's staring off weird, too. probably thinking about his cell-mate, travis right now. [ laughter ] this next book right here -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this next book -- this next one is about the worst human who ever lived. "hitler, neither vegetarian nor animal lover." >> steve: what? >> jimmy: by rynn berry. rynn berry, yeah. that's certainly one completely weird way of looking at hitler, i guess. you could write hundreds of books using this formula, if you want to. "hitler, neither a baseball player nor math lover." [ laughter ] "hitler, neither gardener nor a renowned pastry chef." "hitler, neither violinist nor a swimming instructor."

the possibilities are endless. the worst books on hitler out there. this next one here is a parenting book. "shaping your child's sexual identity" by george alan rekers. [ light laughter ] this is how you do it when you're chopping wood out there. [ applause ] son, being a man is a lot like chopping wood. [ laughter ] the man's the ax and the lady's the wood. and just never grab on to another man's ax. whatever buddy, let's go inside and get spaghetti-os or something. this is also cool. we got this from -- we got this from a correctional facility. [ light laughter ] hayward correctional center library. >> steve: that's the same place we got "dads in prison." >> jimmy: yeah, "dad's in prison" is on there too. great library. this is a good book, right here. this is "book of the bitch" by j.m.&evans and kay white. "a complete guide to understanding and caring for bitches."

[ laughter and applause ] i know this is the technical term for a lady dog but it still seems wrong to call them bitches. let's check out the inside here. this is disgusting. this is stages of coitus. figure "a" is mounting. [ laughter ] i've defiantly seen that before, but what the heck is figure "b"? look at this. what is that? [ laughter ] it's called the tie. >> steve: the what? >> jimmy: the tie. i guess the dogs put their butts together or something? i don't know what that is. i've got to read that book. >> don't ask him hither either. >> jimmy: no. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: unfortunately we're down to the last book, you guys. [ audience aws ] this one is about one of the most beloved children's book characters of all time, or is it? it's called "pooh gets stuck." [ laughter ]

this book is called "pooh gets stuck." [ laughter ] there you go, you guys. that's all i have for this edition of my "do not read list." if you have a book that you think should be on our next "do not read list," i want to see it. send your titles to our blog at latenightblog@nbc.com. we'll be right back with ryan gosling, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ my contacts are so annoying. they're itchy, dry and uncomfortable. i can't wait to take 'em out, throw 'em away and never see them again. [ male announcer ] know the feeling? get the contacts you've got to see to believe. acuvue® oasys brand contact lenses with hydraclear® plus technology, keeping your eyes exceptionally comfortable all day long. it feels like it disappeared on my eye. [ male announcer ] discover why it's the brand eye doctors trust most for comfort. if you have astigmatism, there's an acuvue® oasys lens for that too, realigning naturally with every blink. ask your doctor for acuvue® oasys brand.

right? get. out. exactly! really?! [ mom ] what? shut the front door. right? woop-woop! franklin delano! [ male announcer ] hey! there's oreo creme under that fudge! oreo fudge cremes. indescribably good. [ male announcer ] hey! there's oreo creme under that fudge! get 5% cash back when you use chase freedom for gas. don't miss out. activate your 5% today. go to chase.com/freedom. young boy: my polo's lookin' older girl: gfly!y uniform on. young girl: we're all dressed for show and tell. mom: and it's only july! kids: july?! anncr: who's ready for school? old navy khakis from $12 dollars, polos from $5.50.

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is an academy award and golden globe nominated actor whose new film, "crazy, stupid, love" is in theaters friday, july 29th. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome ryan gosling! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ >> jimmy: welcome buddy. hey, welcome. welcome. welcome to our show. >> thank you for having me. >> jimmy: that's for being here, yeah. >> thank you so much. >> who is this -- who's guy here? >> that's george. >> jimmy: hey, george. [ dog barking ] >> jimmy: oh, hi. thank you. oh, very good. >> okay, george. >> jimmy: thanks for saying hi. >> george likes apples. >> jimmy: oh, he eats apples. good. now, what's going on with george's mohawk? is that is style? >> he insists -- he insists on it. >> jimmy: he insists on it for the summer? >> ten years ago i shaved a mohawk, you know just for the summer. >> jimmy: yeah, of course. and then every time it started to grow out, he turned into a total jerk. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not true. look at george, he can't be a jerk. >> it is true. no, he would. and then i'd shave it back and then he'd turn into a nice guy again. so, i figured it out. >> jimmy: what kind of dog is he? >> he's some kind of muppet. >> jimmy: he is a muppet. he's really cute. [ audience aws ] they're not laughing at you, with you george. did george move with you to new york? >> yeah. he just moved here with me. >> jimmy: that's good you're a new yorker now. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's exciting, welcome. >> we're neighbors. [ applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, we're neighbors. this is good. >> yeah. >> jimmy: why the move? >> well -- well, i turned 30. >> jimmy: congratulations.

>> thanks. >> jimmy: you don't legally have to move to new york when you turn 30 though. you just felt a change? >> well, everybody told me i would feel different and i just didn't. so i thought i'll do something different -- >> jimmy: so you feel different. >> so, i feel different so i feel different. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. i think george wants another piece of apple. >> he just likes his apple. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> okay. >> jimmy: he's just using you for your apple. >> okay, george. >> jimmy: and he's got a sock on there. what's going on with the sock? >> he's got a hot spot. >> jimmy: what does that mean? he's a wifi hotspot? >> you know, they chew on their feet. george, sit down. sit. sit georgey. sit. come on. go down. get down. get down, george. [ audience aws ] okay. he's more interesting than i am. i thought it would be helpful. >> jimmy: no, that's not true at all. no, no, no. not at all. i want to talk to you about everything. i want to talk about new york. do you need advice? do you need restaurants. do you need anything? need a ride somewhere? [ laughter ] i mean, have you been going around doing stuff? >> well, i've been doing some things. getting some bad advice from friends. >> jimmy: what are they telling you to do? >> well, okay. so, have you ever been to the turkish bath? [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: not that i know of. no, i don't think so. >> the roots didn't like that. >> jimmy: no. i haven't been to a turkish bath, i've heard about it. >> okay, so -- i had -- when my friend, zoe moved to york, and said you have to go to the turkish bath, you know. i said, okay, i had a fantasy about it being something like -- you know, like palm -- being waved with palm leaves and fed grapes. and it's not that at all, like a big hairy turkish guy that washes you with a bar of soap. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i would do it now. now, i'm intrigued. >> and he was just washing me with this bar of soap and i was like, am i paying for this? this is terrible. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: too bad you had to pay for it. >> yeah, this is awful. and then he had this, like idea where -- okay so, that he washes me for a while and then i go in my front, you know, and then he tries to connect my right foot to my left arm and he's trying to connect them like this and i'm in such pain, i go -- like that and his belly goes in my mouth.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's extra right there. you have to pay extra for that one. gross. >> it's like the blob, it just keep on going in my mouth. >> jimmy: what did you do? >> well, okay. so, don't judge me but you know how when you eat something weird, your brain sends your tongue to investigate? [ laughter ] no, listen, you know what i mean? it's like, you go -- >> jimmy: you did not lick this man, did you? >> you know? you go in like, what is that? and your brain -- and your tongue -- and your brain goes, hey, tongue, figure that out. and your tongue says, oh, there's bones in that fish, don't eat -- don't swallow that. you know? sometimes it's helpful. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> well, it got mixed up this time and my brain said "what is that?" and my tongue went "it's a hairy sweaty belly, why am i licking it?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you licked this man's sweaty hairy belly? >> i was like, what is that? oh my god. [ laughter ] oh my god. >> jimmy: oh my god. >> and i went home and i was like -- i just felt so --

and it just got -- i don't know if you want to hear more. it got weirder and weirder. >> jimmy: what do you mean? how did it get weirder and weirder? >> okay. [ laughter ] so, so he says -- okay, so then he starts to scrub me, you know, he scrubs me so hard i feel like he's ripping skin off. [ laughter ] and i say -- and i kind of freak out of it, and goes" no, no, no. it's okay." and he just shows me a handful of my skin. i said, that's what i was afraid of. you can't -- you can't console me with my fear. [ laughter ] yes. >> jimmy: that's what i was afraid of. i'm looking at my flesh. >> that's what i thought. my skin. and then i go, "okay, i've got to stop." and he goes, "okay." and then -- he doesn't talk much english. and he says -- he's trying to she me how to tip him without anyone noticing. he pulls out an imaginary wallet because he's just in a towel and he folds imaginary money. and he goes like this, you know? like, you're going to tip me like this and then he puts it in my hand. and so, we go over it. then he wants to rehearse it. you know? it's like i'm naked -- >> jimmy: this is in the bath? >> -- he's kind of naked. >> jimmy: george, get back here. george? >> come on, dude.

george doesn't like where this story is going. he's embarrassed. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, so wait, so wait. so, he's tipping -- >> he shows me how to tip him with imaginary money. we rehearsed it, i can't believe we're rehearsing in the nude. i'm like, i've got to get out of here. then gives me to another guy who wraps me in so many towels, it's like i was slingshot with bed, bath and beyond. [ laughter ] i'm just like -- >> jimmy: covered in towels. >> i just got to get the hell out. i feel sick. i go to my room. i get to the locker. i put the money in. i'm ready to go. i come out, he goes like this, you know? i go, all right. i give him the money. i think it's done. i turn around. and the guy that wrapped me in all the towels. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] he's got to get some too. >> but i'm like, i thought i wasn't supposed to take out money, thought it was a secret. >> jimmy: secret, that's why he was point to the towel. >> i take out money, and it turns out it's fine. the whole rehearsal was just for nothing. [ laughter ] and i give this guy money, i owe him, i said, "can i get change?" from one guy he gives me change and i give him the change and i turned around and the guy who gave me change is like -- i was just like, you know what, here. i gave them all my money, i went home and googled belly diseases. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: unbelievable. you're funny. more with ryan gosling when we get back, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] it seems everyone is saying they have the best unlimited plan. here's the truth. at&t and verizon give you unlimited text and talk, but they charge you extra for going over 2 gigabytes of data. t-mobile claims they're unlimited, but use your phone a lot and they slow down your data speed. with sprint, you don't get charged extra, you don't slow down. and you get unlimited data, text and calling, to any mobile for only $79.99. may the best unlimited plan win. trouble hearing on the phone? visit sprintrelay.com

take toast... spread with i can't believe it's not butter... add jacques. he's french. oui! mmmm...oui like! [ male announcer ] now four out of five butter lovers agree that i can't believe it's not butter tastes as good as fresh butter with 70% less saturated fat and 30% fewer calories than butter. now you can have it all. [ male announcer ] i can't believe it's not butter. ♪ come on everybody now you can have it all. ♪ gonna have a good time tonight ♪ come in for a great time at olive garden. enjoy our new carbonara ravioli with chicken for just $10.95. pancetta and parmesan-filled ravioli served with pan-seared chicken in creamy parmesan sauce. ♪ family affair or with sauteed shrimp for $12.95. both with unlimited breadsticks and salad or homemade soup. a great meal sure to end with a smile. olive garden. when you're here, you're family.

[ woman ] sam begged and pleaded... so i sent him to camp. we'd earned lots of points with our new citi thankyou card... and i put them to good use. he told me about his bunkmates, and how he signs up for every activity.

♪ he even hangs out with the camp director. just like that. [ male announcer ] the new citi thankyou premier card gives you more ways to earn points. what's your story? citi can help you write it. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: we're back, everybody, with ryan gosling who's great in this movie, "crazy stupid love." >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: you're phenomenal in this movie. you're great in this movie. you play, like, steve carell's kind of wing man. could you explain it a little bit to people? >> okay. [ laughter ] like i'm bugs bunny and he's daffy duck? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] kind of. >> and then i turn into daffy duck and he turns into bugs bunny. >> jimmy: no, no, no. >> okay, that's not good enough. >> that's not it, no. >> okay. it's basically, okay, his wife cheats on him with kevin bacon. >> jimmy: that's true. the bacon. >> yeah. and then, she -- >> jimmy: she brings home the bacon. [ light laughter ] >> julianne moore. >> jimmy: pretty good, right? you could use that. >> yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's not that good. >> but everyone will know i stole it from you. >> jimmy: no, no one watches. [ laughter ] we're fine. we're fine. but no, it's julianne moore. it's a great cast. >> wait. okay, yeah. julianne moore. >> jimmy: she cheats on him with kevin bacon. >> yeah, okay. there's a lot of -- well, the point -- it has a lot going on

in it, so i have a hard time telling you. but -- okay, one sec. so he's a -- she divorced him. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and he's -- he needs some help, and i fancy myself some kind of lothario. >> jimmy: mm-hmm. >> i'm some kind of -- like a pg version of that guy "the situation" from "the jersey shore." [ laughter ] >> don't lose focus. don't lose focus. don't lose focus. don't look -- >> okay. and i try to help him -- >> jimmy: yes. >> to rediscover his manhood. >> jimmy: yes! that's it. [ cheers and applause ] that was it. you described it. it's so funny. this movie is brilliantly funny. it's actually a very clever funny, too. it's not like dumb jokes. it's very smart, intelligent jokes. and you and carell have great chemistry as well. >> yeah, thanks. i had a friend help me out a lot, though. >> jimmy: who? >> well, my friend, chris angulo is the funniest guy i know. and -- >> jimmy: excuse me. [ laughter ] >> [ stammering ] we just met. but i don't know you. >> jimmy: yeah, we know each other. >> we're strangers. >> jimmy: no, we're not strangers. >> not now. but when i said that, we were. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we should be -- >> now, we're closer since you called me on it.

>> jimmy: we should go to a turkish bath together. [ laughter ] i know a great guy you can lick. he's really good. [ laughter ] i didn't mean that at all. yeah, yeah. >> that guy did look a lot like you with that mustache. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it did. >> now that i think about it. >> jimmy: looked very familiar. i have been in a turkish bath before, and you're very flexible. [ laughter ] >> oh, my. >> jimmy: that wasn't me. i want to set up this clip. this is you. basically steve carell has just kind of lost his -- he doesn't have any real game. he's not flashy. he just dresses normal. but you take him shopping to all these designer places to get him dressing better and looking better and building his confidence. >> yes. >> jimmy: here's a clip from "crazy stupid love." it's ryan gosling with steve carell. >> i think i'm set for jeans. >> no, you're not set for jeans, cal. >> these are fine. >> they're not fine. you have a mom butt. is that what you want? >> why don't we just go to the g.a.p.? you know what? they have a -- okay what are you doing? ♪ >> cal, be better than the

g.a.p. be better than the g.a.p. say it. >> i'm better than the g.a.p. >> come on. >> god. stop slapping me. really. >> jimmy: slapping in the face is great, too. [ cheers and applause ] very funny movie. ryan gosling. "crazy stupid love" is in theaters july 29th. andy cohen joins us next, you guys. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] cowhide dries out. so does your manhide. regular men's body wash can dry out your skin. dove men + care is different. only dove has micromoisture to fight skin dryness. so that manhide of yours stays clean and moisturized... no matter what you put it through. dove men + care. be comfortable in your own skin. ♪ introducing new dove men + care sensitive clean body wash.

you are a little biscuit. i'm carol. uh, we should skedaddle 'cause it's girls' night. so...oh, wow. [ male announcer ] movies right when you want them. watch unlimited tv episodes and movies instantly, all for only 8 bucks a month from netflix.

watch unlimited tv episodes and movies instantly, you could save a bundle with geico's multi-policy discount. geico, saving people money on more than just car insurance. ♪ geico, saving people money on more than just car insurance.

♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. our next guest is a bravo tv executive responsible for many of your favorite shows from "top chef" to all the "real housewives." [ cheers ] i love the housewives. he's also host of "watch what happens live", which airs thursdays and sundays at 11:00 p.m. please welcome back to our show our pal, andy cohen! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> wow. what were they -- what were the roots just doing? >> jimmy: "housewife" by dr. dre. >> i like it. >> jimmy: right? see, yeah. a little love. a little housewife love for you. love the white suit. >> thanks, man. there's about two weeks out of the year that you can actually wear a white suit and i'm taking advantage -- and you guys have white mics, so i feel like mariah carey. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: white microphone on a white suit. >> jimmy: now, congratulations. five emmy nominations for you. >> on bravo, yeah. [ cheers and applause ]

♪ kathy griffin. kathy griffin and "top chef" got four. and this was your season, jimmy. >> jimmy: that's right. i was on "top chef." [ cheers and applause ] >> you were. >> jimmy: i feel like i got nominated. i love it. >> well, you did. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. >> you did. you can add that to your long list and congratulations to you. >> jimmy: yeah, that's right. we got nominated, too. but you've been super busy. i mean, you did the miss usa pageant. >> i did. >> jimmy: how was that? >> it was actually so fun. you know, i love a lady with something to say and those ladies have something to say. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> and it was fun. i love -- you know, what i found out is that you spend most of your time, if you host that show, kind of just screaming state names. and so the idea is that if you add a lot of syllables to the names, that's the key. then you're golden. so like hawaii. so you're like, "hawai-i!" [ laughter ] that's the pageant way to say hawaii. >> jimmy: there you go. keep yelling everything. >> exactly. >> jimmy: indiana! >> indiana! it's kind of -- it's a little oprah. >> jimmy: it's very oprah, yes.

>> it's very oprah. >> jimmy: my best friend john travolta! [ laughter ] >> exactly. totally. totally. i just -- it's all i was doing was thinking like nevada! crazy. and then you realize, are there some states i actually, maybe don't pronounce that well? >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i don't know. anyway. >> jimmy: you got away with it. you did great. >> i'm dumb. thanks. >> jimmy: no, you're not. now, come on. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: i would never say that. you're very smart. clearly you're a genius. >> thank you. >> jimmy: "watch what happens live." second anniversary. >> yes. we just had our second anniversary. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. ♪ we had melissa and joe from "the jersey housewives," and joe wound up -- it was dare or dare night, because he never met a dare he didn't like, and one of the viewers dared him to give me a lap dance. so that happened on our after show. >> jimmy: weird. >> yeah, it was weird. but tomorrow night, we've got -- it's "new york housewives" finale night, and then afterwards, the countess luann -- recording artist countess luann -- is going to perform her latest single, jimmy. [ light laughter ]

it's "chic, c'est la vie," which which, of course, you know is a spoken rap to a central pay beat. >> jimmy: now, she -- "money can't buy you class" is her other song. >> that was the first song. ♪ money can't buy you class elegance is learned my friend ♪ [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: elegance is learned. >> my friend. >> jimmy: my friend. >> yes. this is "chic, c'est la vie." >> jimmy: so what does that mean? >> gems, jets, silhouettes. champagne in the sky. something like that. >> jimmy: what is wrong with her? >> yeah, i know. that's -- >> jimmy: what is -- >> she's going to perform it live, man. >> jimmy: well, i don't understand. >> yes. >> jimmy: because why do these housewives think that they can sing? >> well, you know what's funny? some of the women -- they have so much but the one thing they don't have is a single. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so i feel like a lot of them just go for it and they -- they cut a record. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i mean, "tardy for the party" was kind of a hit, right? >> "t for the p" is -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: nobody calls it "t for the p." >> i call it "t for the p." i call it "t for the --" >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> that's the gold standard.

"tardy for the party" is the jam, you know. ♪ don't be tardy for the party oh oh don't be tardy for the party ♪ >> jimmy: i love that so much. >> yeah, yeah. that's the jam. >> jimmy: and yeah. they actually are really good songs. >> yeah. that's a good one. >> jimmy: are you going to put out an album eventually? >> we'll talk about it. >> jimmy: oh, good. yeah. we'll talk about it. that would be good. but "chic, c'est la vie." >> "chic, c'est la vie." >> jimmy: now, you're going to have the finale tomorrow night. >> yes. >> jimmy: of "new york housewives." but then you have the reunion, which is -- i mean, i -- >> yes. >> jimmy: i can't think of a better hour and a half of television. >> it's great. yes. that's actually two hours. it's a two-parter, and so -- well, i did something for you. i did something for you, which is -- you're always asking, "what it's like on these reunion shows?" okay? >> jimmy: yeah. >> and the "new york housewives" -- >> jimmy: i get afraid for you. i get scared for you. >> i get scared sometimes. >> jimmy: that one, you got thrown down. >> i did. i got beat down a little bit. >> jimmy: theresa threw you into a chair. >> yeah, yeah. she did. >> jimmy: and nobody puts baby in the corner. [ laughter ] >> that's right. so basically, the new york housewives are the most aggressive of all of them in terms of wanting to get their point across, and they represent -- >> jimmy: more aggressive than new jersey? >> everybody, yes, yes.

they're really talky. and within the first hour, i was like, my lord, this is going to be the longest day because it's a nine hour taping of going through everything and i had the hardest time getting them to speak one at a time and just keep it quiet. so i cut a montage for you of what it's like, and this is not going to air. when it airs, it will be a little calmed down. but i cut something for you to show you what it's like. and i actually got a little violent. i got really upset. [ laughter ] no -- >> jimmy: what is going on? a whole new andy cohen. >> yes. i got pushed in the corner, and this is what happened. >> jimmy: let's check out this footage clip. >> okay. >> you already said something -- [ talking over each other ] >> okay, i want to -- i want to interrupt because you're -- hold on. >> get a life. get a life. [ talking over each other ] >> you guys -- >> lowlife. loser. lowlife. >> shut up and let me ask about it, okay? god, you guys are acting like babies today. >> i know. it's terrible. >> hold on. i'm asking her a question. shut up!

seriously, shut the [ bleep ] ell bo>> a. >> tell me about tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] >> that's how bad. i figured this was the only place i could show that. this is the only place that that could be played. >> jimmy: that is absolutely genius. you are the man. andy cohen, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] the finale of "the real housewives of new york" is this thursday, and "watch what happens live" airs thursdays and sundays at 11:00 p.m. on bravo. the great andy cohen, everybody. joseph arthur performs next. come on back. ♪ whoa!! the really big chicken sandwich combo is back!

and it's as big as ever. i'm gonna jump it! you can't jump that! it's two chicken patties, topped with bacon, and melting cheese plus seasoned curly fries and a drink for only $3.99!

what do you know? your only a baby! vrrrrooooom! i'm t-rex and i came out of extinction cuz i heard the combo was back! and that got a million hits? yep. why do we even make commercials anymore? 'cause you like to be in them. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is an acclaimed performer and artist. he recently released his first solo performance in five years, "the graduation ceremony," and he's here tonight to perform a song from it called "almost blue" with a little help from the roots. please welcome joseph arthur. [ cheers and applause ]

♪ playing with your toy soldiers you don't know what they're for ♪ ♪ so you just make lots of noises decide who wins the war ♪ now you're playing ♪ ♪ with matches even though you've been warned that something evil ♪ ♪ could happen you don't care 'cause you're bored ♪ ♪ in your hideaway almost new almost blue in your hideaway ♪ ♪ almost new almost blue ♪

♪ in the middle of summer it's only you and your friends each of you trying ♪ ♪ to go under but hoping it never ends ♪ ♪ you finally make it to winter and all rejoice in the snow crawling over each other ♪ ♪ there's nowhere else you can go in your hideaway almost new ♪ ♪ almost blue in your hideaway almost new

almost blue ♪ ♪ ain't ever going back to that no you're never going back again till you're blue ♪ ♪ ain't ever going back to that no you're never going back again till you're blue ♪ ♪ your only job is to be free free to live inside a tree ♪ ♪ free to see the way you see if it's strange then let it be ♪ ♪ your only job is to be free free to laugh free to sing ♪ ♪ free to think you might be king or you might fly or swim the sea ♪ ♪ you have it all

when you are free but freedom puts the fear in some ♪ ♪ and they will tell you not to run and not to dream all you see ♪ ♪ inside the open world of free for freedom follows no command ♪ ♪ it has no feet no arm or hand it has no language it has no rhyme ♪ ♪ it has no clock no goal or time for freedom is it's own reward ♪ ♪ it's own protection without a sword without a fight freedom stands ♪ ♪ holding on with phantom hands to your heart of the sky ♪ ♪ winter lips mountains cry freedom holds the world above ♪ ♪ the reach of death the reach of love freedom is it's own reward ♪ ♪ distorted power singing chord freedom lifts the stars in space ♪ ♪ freedom is an angels face the planets bouncing rubber balls ♪ ♪ freedom bouncing off your walls you catch and throw and catch some more ♪ ♪ freedom opens every door just remember to be free ♪ ♪ and you will be the same as me and i will be the same as you ♪

♪ sniffing flowers freedom glue stuck to stars which shoot thru skies ♪ ♪ the twinkle twinkle in your eyes the bed of love on which you sleep ♪ ♪ the day of hope the one you greet the night of dreams both big and small ♪ ♪ the call you hear down freedoms hall come home now for home your in ♪ ♪ one day gone the next begin it's a circle like wheels which ride ♪ ♪ the waves of oceans freedom tide welcome home you never left ♪ ♪ maybe lost freedom theft but you got found freedom bee ♪ ♪ buzzing for eternity and freedom is the light you see ♪ ♪ enlightened soul turning key others see and may wake up ♪ ♪ inspiration freedom cup drink the nectar of the soul ♪ ♪ freedom is an endless hole which opens up in the sky ♪ ♪ it's a circle you and i we are one we are free ♪ ♪ i am you and you are me yes we are one when we are free ♪ ♪ for i am you and you are me ♪ yes we are one when we are free i am you and you are me ♪